Lord Give Me A Sign

Man this whole situation is bullshit. Why is it so hard to have my family at home? Is that really such a hard request? Can I never get what I want? Is there always gonna be something blocking my way to happiness? These questions need answers and I desperately need them...


As you may know or not know, my wife and I are expecting our first girl on 12/11/12. Also, if you read the previous blogs we lost out firstborn son last year. It was by far worse than death. Her parents fail to see that Aubrey (my wife) isn't the only one that lost somebody that day. With that being said, I have disdained feelings towards them. Any who, this pregnancy is going exceptionally well. Gabby is definitely our rainbow baby (a baby who is conceived after a miscarriage/still birth/infant death). The only thing that's stopping me from fully enjoying this pregnancy is the aftermath of Gabriella's birth.


Ya see, Aubrey wants to move in with her parents all the way out in B.F.E. (Bum Fuck Egypt). Her reasoning is that I'm gonna be working all the time. I understand why she wants to move but why can't her parents help her out at our house? She knows I rarely go out there b/c of how I feel. Why do I have to miss time away from my daughter? This is our biggest fight as of right now. I hate fighting b/c it can get real ugly and fast but I can't help but stand tall against this issue. I have strong feelings about this especially since her mom is a ticking time bomb. We have had our fair share of disputes. My biggest fear is Gabby being a victim of all this. What if Aubrey is still recovering from the c-section and then her mom decides to flip? Aubrey will be defenseless and so will our baby. Why would Aubrey's mom be a threat? Because she has a history of being violent and going bat-shit crazy. That's my biggest fear.. That I'm not gonna be there to help her out if I'm so far away. I just don't know what to do.

Baby Steps

So my Gabby Amor should be here 12/11/12. When I actually think about it, I get really exited but on the flip-side I'm nervous. I know she'll be beautiful so I'm not worried about that. What I am worried about is being a good father to my baby. I can't even hold her but I'm already in love. With that love comes high expectations tho. I have to be the "prefect man" for her yet I'm still growing myself. I never really had a "normal childhood" so it's difficult to provide something that's unfamiliar to me. All I know is I'm gonna try my hardest to make sure she's loved and well taken care of. Ya see? She's not even here yet and I'm already worried about future problems. I guess I gotta take it one step at a time.

Btw

....I forgot to post the results of the ultrasound. It's a baby girl! Yep, just what I asked for :-) so far I'm 2-0 for the gender picks. I think it's just coincidence and God doing me favors. Oh well I'm happy with the results.

Gabriella Amor Rodriguez

Our time to meet each other is very close. I love you very much. You are the light that shined through the dark clouds in my life after you're brother passed. I'm very happy with this pregnancy. I honestly took your brother's pregnancy for granted. I wish I did more for Aubrey and little Mente. I often wonder if it would've been a different outcome had I paid more attention. I just have to accept that it was out of my control. With your existence brings new hope for our family.

Well babies, know that your mother and I love y'all very much and we miss you Clemente. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Behave yourself and represent us well. I love you papa. I'll see you someday, I promise XOXO

The big ultrasound!

So we have the big ultrasound today..I'm so excited and nervous. I'll update this post later!!!

Eye-opener

I started reading this book by Slim Thug called How To Survive In a Recession. It's really opened my eyes on a lot of things financially. I'm glad I bought it b/c it's filled with advice and it's his personal experiences. I haven't read it all but I'm working on it. So whoever is reading this, you should definitely check it out if you're serious about saving money and stacking. It made me open a savings account and budget wisely. The book is definitely worth every penny.

Worries of a father...

My wife and I have made an appointment..I think she might have bronchitis. It's scary because we are expecting. Stuff like this gets me scared and I hate that feeling of the unknown. With the last pregnancy, it really shook me. With this new blessing it makes me more worried. I try my best to stay calm and stay positive but you know..I don't know what I would do if we lost this baby. A part of me died with my son last September. This would destroy me entirely. I just pray for the best..

Random thought...

I've been getting into this reading phase in my life and I've already bought 4 ebooks. Only problem is that I only read the first 20 pages and I stop -___- I need to make time for them b/c they're interesting reads. Ok I'm down babbling for now..

That OvO sound...

New day..

This post is gonna be about my whole day separated into different parts so here goes nothing...

08/06/11 10:24am
So I'm finally starting my day. Got a few things to do like put in a application at GATX. I really hope I get this job b/c it will significantly change my life. Financially speaking of course, that means Aubrey won't have to work and I can starting getting our lives together. Well right now I'm with my wife Aubrey and we're about to grub on these donuts from Shipleys. Shit is good.

12:30pm
Man today was a pretty smooth day at work. The only thing that went bad was that this one little girl in my class bit another girl. She's very sweet but she's been acting up lately. Idk what it could be. Her mom made a comment about her sleeping really well last night. I hope we can correct this before it gets really out of hand. Other than that it's been fun.

6:23pm
So...I decided to take my wife out to Sodolaks again. It was so good I just couldn't help myself. Oh well, I'm eat some steak and drink a cold one..cheers!

7:38pm
Now I'm at Starbucks with my wife. We are setting up this laptop her sister gave us. Pretty ancient software but we can make it work. Just gotta do some minor maintenance.
***Update***
It's taking forever and it's now 9:30pm. I'm gonna call it quits..fuck it.

10:10pm
I'm tired as fuck. It's time for me to shower up and relax. Idk how I feel about putting my day-to-day life up on this blog. I think I'll just post stuff I think is interesting, what's on my mind, etc. God bless to whom ever is reading this, take care.

Rise, and rise again, until the docile lambs become conquering lions...

Well I haven't been on here in a hot minute. Things are going a lot better for me. Well quick recap of the past 2 & 1/2 months. I got fired on 06/12/12 over a mistake I made at the Service Desk at Walmart. I honestly thought I couldn't be fucked with up there but I learned everyone is expendable. That sucked majorly b/c I was it of a job for 3 weeks. Now I work at a preschool called St. Anthony Learning & Play Station. Pretty good job...I really like working with the children there. I am amazed on how mature some kids are at such a young age. Also I didn't read my previous blogs but my wife and I our expecting again. She is 18 weeks and 5 days (what do you know, 5 is my fav #). I went to NG last night and had a sweet time. Today we're going to church and praise God for the many blessings. Also we have a big get-together tonight at 7:30 p.m. at WnM. I'm pretty excited for that. Well I'll try my best to be steady with this blog. Take care everyone, con mucho amor.

- Clemente

Busy Week

This first week of May is going to be busy. Not only do I have a busy work week, I also have the Relay for Life marathon on Friday night after work and then Saturday is this fundraiser I was invited to. Today, while picking up my wife some breakfast for work I saw this chick who I see every other day at the Sonic drive-thru. She told me about this fundraiser for this kid on Saturday. As of late, I've been really into paying things forward. I'm just really greatful for the blessings God has given me. Now the least I can do is spread His love by helping people out. I just need to get back into church and worshipping Him more regularly.

Daddy's gone crazy...

Aw man...where to begin..My son, I'm so out of my mind at times. Every now and then I breakdown and cry. I unfortunately didn't have time to mourn you. I think that's why I feel crazy at times. Everything happened so fast. I barely had time to react. I wish things were different but God had other plans. I can't but feel bitter towards HIM for taking you away from me. One I've always had which I refer to it as a blessing and a curse, good memory. I can play that memory in an instant. it doesn't seem real at times. I'm just haunted by this memory. I can still feel myself cracking, ripping at seams as the memory goes on. I wish I could trade places with you. That would be my ultimate gift to you and Aubrey. I'd be fine wherever I'd go..I would be at peace knowing y'all could be together again. Clemente..that name takes on a whole another meaning. I don't feel like I deserve that name anymore..because it's yours. I hope you're happy up there with Jesus. I hope he teaches all the great things about life. You're going to bible study classes and you're behaving yourself. If you're anything like your mother, you could very stubborn or like myself. It's hard trying to come to grips with it all. Sometimes I wish I could resort to drinking and drugs as my father did but I know that no amount of anything could numb myself from this. I just got to carry my crosses and here for your mom. I like to think you're my guardian angel now. Watching and protecting me, God knows you're a baby soldier. I'm sure you would try to be a archangel but God would refuse because you're too small to fight. That's my baby boy right there..I can't wait to see you and hold you in my arms again. Mente, you were to beautiful for this earth. I honestly believe God didn't want you to see all these terrible things going on in the world. For that, I thank HIM. Also, I wasn't deserving enough for a precious angel like you. It's hard to admit that but it's true. I love you and I hope you're okay. I always told myself I would never abandon you like my father did us. I feel as though I have because you're all alone in heaven but I know Jesus would keep you company. I'm sure he was like, "Oh, that's that Rodriguez child. I hope he's not anything like his dad, stubborn as heck and cute as button. We might have some problems (with a smile on his face.)". Well I can't be typing all. I have to get my day started, ttyl baby, momma and daddy luh you. Take care of yourself and be good. Until next time..*muah*

Lil Wayne Singing Shot For Me @ Drake's Concert

This Could Get Interesting..

So I'm liking this blogging deal. It feels refreshing putting myself out here for people to see. I'm a pretty private person and you only see what I allow you to see. Some people get a glimpse of me..I have a lot of trust issues so it'll take some time for me to open to you. Well this blog will shorten that time with some of you. I'm going to give you true, raw thoughts from myself.




‎"I promise to give you me, the real me." - Drake

"Too Many Painful Memories, Shit Hurts To Say..."

So..I'm missing my son now more than ever. Like it's finally kicking in..today I was actually thinking about my reactions when they told me Mente didn't make it. I was devasted. I wish this on no one but I couldn't help but think why me? My worst nightmare/fear came true. I felt like my world fell apart. I'm not really good at handling my feelings. I mistreat the people I love and take them for granted. I feel like sometimes I don't really have anything from holding me back. I've been unhappy for a long time. The only person that makes me feel like I mean something is Aubrey. I don't really bring up the baby much in conversation which makes Aubrey feel like she is going through this alone and I hate that. I went straight back to work. After I lost the most precious thing that ever meant to me. I couldn't handle it and didn't know how to. Plus I had to take care of Aubrey. The painful memory floats around in my heart and in my mind somewhere. I see all these children and I think nothing of it but now I see them and I long for my son to be in my arms again. I'd give anything to have him back. All I can do is think about my beautiful child as the time flies.

09/23/11

Oh man...today was another trying day for me. I'm just taking it day by day. The only problem I'm having is with Aubrey's parents. I didn't call them to inform them about what happened b/c those were Aubrey's wishes. That didn't stop them for trying to "scald" me last night. For Aubrey, I kept my mouth shut..but they have no idea what I'm going. They just see their daughter suffering and not myself. She's not the only one who lost somebody. For Aubrey's sake I'll carry those crosses. I wish they'd have more compassion for me, I mean it hadn't been less than 3 hrs before they ran their mouths. They have a lotta of balls saying anything b/c they don't have a right.  Mrs. Jordan asked me will I forgive her and I said I'd try. She told me she'd try too. Like wtf? Forgive me for what? Loving your daughter so damn much? Being there for her through thick and then? GTFO with that shit..the only this hatchet will never be buried, you bitch.  Looking at me like I was the reason all this happened..FUCK YOU! The only thing I'm guilty of is loving my son and Aubrey to death. You can go to hell with all that bullshit. Mr. Jordan I'm not gonna hold anything towards b/c you're a coward and it'd be insult to injury to say anything else to you. I just hope my son, my little angel is in heaven praying for his parents comfort and healing. I love you baby boo and I hope you're safe up there. We'll reunite soon..I promise Mente. Save me a spot and know that your momma and daddy love you forever.

09/22/11

I wrote this the day after the worst day of my life.


They say, "God works in mysterious ways.", also that, "We never know what He has in store for us and everything that happens to us is apart of God's plans. I sure hope He knows what He is doing. He just took one of the most important pieces of my life today. I'm keeping my faith and praying my son makes a safe trip to heaven. It doesn't seem real at all, I feel so torn up inside. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to dwell about my losses. I have to be strong for my Bree Bear. I'm thankful for the love & prayers I'm getting from Family & Friends. I really need it in this time of need.