One of Those Things

Today we celebrated my niece's 5th birthday at CiCi's Pizza. It was awkward for me to spend time with my other sister and my other nieces. I feel like my father was the reason why they all treated to me so differently. You see, my father was notorious for domestic abuse and other things. So of course that never went well with my other family. I feel like I never belonged with them and so I exiled myself from my family. I gradually stopped showing up to family events/functions over time. I only saw my family if they came by my house to visit my mom or sister. It's kinda sad but I don't wanna pretend like I enjoy their company when I don't. I started to talk to my nieces again during high school but that contact ended when my son passed away at 7 months during pregnancy. I just completely cut ties from them after that. I feel like I even shut out my wife a little too. I feel lonely sometimes but with my baby girl she's slowly returning the light in a once dark and cold world...Hopefully one day this'll all change.

When is enough, enough?

Today my wife and I got into an altercation. I started with saying she doesn't do shit at home. I said that b/c we argued over me being selfish by grabbing the blanket without making the bed. Well that's when I said what I said. She yelled back, "Say it one more time". In which, I obliged her. She then punched me on my side.

Usually when we fight it ends up with her getting physical with me and not the good kind. She thinks women hitting men is justifiable. My wife has gotten away with it for years. So this sparks my question, when is it enough? I brush it off everytime but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. Why go to those extremes? Why get angry to the point your anger blinds you? I don't feel good typing this but I think today was enough. Let me continue my story... After she hit me I called her a dumb ass bitch. I'm sure you guessed it didn't go over well with her. She grabbed the TV remote and chunked it at the wall. I for sure thought she was gonna throw it at me. She then tried to grab my iPhone but I quickly grabbed it and moved it from harm's way. She leaned towards me like she was gonna grab me and that's when I said, "Stop hitting me!". I then pushed her on her chest with both hands and she fell back on the corner of the bed. She then rolled off the bed and bumped into the baby's mobile dresser. That bump knocked over a cup full of water which fell on her while she was on the floor.

Needless to say, it was a sad sight and the cup spilling over on her was the cherry on top. I feel like shit. I never pushed her like that. How do I go about fixing this? I love my very much and things our getting better in our relationship. Hell, I even spent my evening secretly shopping for Valentine's Day stuff for her and Gabriella. Idk how do I go about resolving this problem. This is one of worst/hardest post I had to type. FUCK!!!!!!!!