One of Those Things

Today we celebrated my niece's 5th birthday at CiCi's Pizza. It was awkward for me to spend time with my other sister and my other nieces. I feel like my father was the reason why they all treated to me so differently. You see, my father was notorious for domestic abuse and other things. So of course that never went well with my other family. I feel like I never belonged with them and so I exiled myself from my family. I gradually stopped showing up to family events/functions over time. I only saw my family if they came by my house to visit my mom or sister. It's kinda sad but I don't wanna pretend like I enjoy their company when I don't. I started to talk to my nieces again during high school but that contact ended when my son passed away at 7 months during pregnancy. I just completely cut ties from them after that. I feel like I even shut out my wife a little too. I feel lonely sometimes but with my baby girl she's slowly returning the light in a once dark and cold world...Hopefully one day this'll all change.

When is enough, enough?

Today my wife and I got into an altercation. I started with saying she doesn't do shit at home. I said that b/c we argued over me being selfish by grabbing the blanket without making the bed. Well that's when I said what I said. She yelled back, "Say it one more time". In which, I obliged her. She then punched me on my side.

Usually when we fight it ends up with her getting physical with me and not the good kind. She thinks women hitting men is justifiable. My wife has gotten away with it for years. So this sparks my question, when is it enough? I brush it off everytime but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. Why go to those extremes? Why get angry to the point your anger blinds you? I don't feel good typing this but I think today was enough. Let me continue my story... After she hit me I called her a dumb ass bitch. I'm sure you guessed it didn't go over well with her. She grabbed the TV remote and chunked it at the wall. I for sure thought she was gonna throw it at me. She then tried to grab my iPhone but I quickly grabbed it and moved it from harm's way. She leaned towards me like she was gonna grab me and that's when I said, "Stop hitting me!". I then pushed her on her chest with both hands and she fell back on the corner of the bed. She then rolled off the bed and bumped into the baby's mobile dresser. That bump knocked over a cup full of water which fell on her while she was on the floor.

Needless to say, it was a sad sight and the cup spilling over on her was the cherry on top. I feel like shit. I never pushed her like that. How do I go about fixing this? I love my very much and things our getting better in our relationship. Hell, I even spent my evening secretly shopping for Valentine's Day stuff for her and Gabriella. Idk how do I go about resolving this problem. This is one of worst/hardest post I had to type. FUCK!!!!!!!!

Lord Give Me A Sign

Man this whole situation is bullshit. Why is it so hard to have my family at home? Is that really such a hard request? Can I never get what I want? Is there always gonna be something blocking my way to happiness? These questions need answers and I desperately need them...


As you may know or not know, my wife and I are expecting our first girl on 12/11/12. Also, if you read the previous blogs we lost out firstborn son last year. It was by far worse than death. Her parents fail to see that Aubrey (my wife) isn't the only one that lost somebody that day. With that being said, I have disdained feelings towards them. Any who, this pregnancy is going exceptionally well. Gabby is definitely our rainbow baby (a baby who is conceived after a miscarriage/still birth/infant death). The only thing that's stopping me from fully enjoying this pregnancy is the aftermath of Gabriella's birth.


Ya see, Aubrey wants to move in with her parents all the way out in B.F.E. (Bum Fuck Egypt). Her reasoning is that I'm gonna be working all the time. I understand why she wants to move but why can't her parents help her out at our house? She knows I rarely go out there b/c of how I feel. Why do I have to miss time away from my daughter? This is our biggest fight as of right now. I hate fighting b/c it can get real ugly and fast but I can't help but stand tall against this issue. I have strong feelings about this especially since her mom is a ticking time bomb. We have had our fair share of disputes. My biggest fear is Gabby being a victim of all this. What if Aubrey is still recovering from the c-section and then her mom decides to flip? Aubrey will be defenseless and so will our baby. Why would Aubrey's mom be a threat? Because she has a history of being violent and going bat-shit crazy. That's my biggest fear.. That I'm not gonna be there to help her out if I'm so far away. I just don't know what to do.

Baby Steps

So my Gabby Amor should be here 12/11/12. When I actually think about it, I get really exited but on the flip-side I'm nervous. I know she'll be beautiful so I'm not worried about that. What I am worried about is being a good father to my baby. I can't even hold her but I'm already in love. With that love comes high expectations tho. I have to be the "prefect man" for her yet I'm still growing myself. I never really had a "normal childhood" so it's difficult to provide something that's unfamiliar to me. All I know is I'm gonna try my hardest to make sure she's loved and well taken care of. Ya see? She's not even here yet and I'm already worried about future problems. I guess I gotta take it one step at a time.

Btw

....I forgot to post the results of the ultrasound. It's a baby girl! Yep, just what I asked for :-) so far I'm 2-0 for the gender picks. I think it's just coincidence and God doing me favors. Oh well I'm happy with the results.

Gabriella Amor Rodriguez

Our time to meet each other is very close. I love you very much. You are the light that shined through the dark clouds in my life after you're brother passed. I'm very happy with this pregnancy. I honestly took your brother's pregnancy for granted. I wish I did more for Aubrey and little Mente. I often wonder if it would've been a different outcome had I paid more attention. I just have to accept that it was out of my control. With your existence brings new hope for our family.

Well babies, know that your mother and I love y'all very much and we miss you Clemente. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Behave yourself and represent us well. I love you papa. I'll see you someday, I promise XOXO

The big ultrasound!

So we have the big ultrasound today..I'm so excited and nervous. I'll update this post later!!!