Daddy's gone crazy...

Aw man...where to begin..My son, I'm so out of my mind at times. Every now and then I breakdown and cry. I unfortunately didn't have time to mourn you. I think that's why I feel crazy at times. Everything happened so fast. I barely had time to react. I wish things were different but God had other plans. I can't but feel bitter towards HIM for taking you away from me. One I've always had which I refer to it as a blessing and a curse, good memory. I can play that memory in an instant. it doesn't seem real at times. I'm just haunted by this memory. I can still feel myself cracking, ripping at seams as the memory goes on. I wish I could trade places with you. That would be my ultimate gift to you and Aubrey. I'd be fine wherever I'd go..I would be at peace knowing y'all could be together again. Clemente..that name takes on a whole another meaning. I don't feel like I deserve that name anymore..because it's yours. I hope you're happy up there with Jesus. I hope he teaches all the great things about life. You're going to bible study classes and you're behaving yourself. If you're anything like your mother, you could very stubborn or like myself. It's hard trying to come to grips with it all. Sometimes I wish I could resort to drinking and drugs as my father did but I know that no amount of anything could numb myself from this. I just got to carry my crosses and here for your mom. I like to think you're my guardian angel now. Watching and protecting me, God knows you're a baby soldier. I'm sure you would try to be a archangel but God would refuse because you're too small to fight. That's my baby boy right there..I can't wait to see you and hold you in my arms again. Mente, you were to beautiful for this earth. I honestly believe God didn't want you to see all these terrible things going on in the world. For that, I thank HIM. Also, I wasn't deserving enough for a precious angel like you. It's hard to admit that but it's true. I love you and I hope you're okay. I always told myself I would never abandon you like my father did us. I feel as though I have because you're all alone in heaven but I know Jesus would keep you company. I'm sure he was like, "Oh, that's that Rodriguez child. I hope he's not anything like his dad, stubborn as heck and cute as button. We might have some problems (with a smile on his face.)". Well I can't be typing all. I have to get my day started, ttyl baby, momma and daddy luh you. Take care of yourself and be good. Until next time..*muah*